I’ve moved this blog over to blogspot, because I wanted to expand the focus of my blogging to include more than just parenting, and I liked the Blogger platform better after all.
The new address is: http://mama-rants.blogspot.com/
or MamaRants.com for a shortcut.
Or, if you’d like to subscribe in Google or another feed reader, just click below for rss:
Thanks,
Raine
I’ve been asking around and doing research into the different pediatricians in our area, to be ready when the baby comes. If it wasn’t for one thing, it would be a simple decision. There is one doctor who keeps coming up with glowing recommendations, is affiliated with the only practice typically on staff at the hospital where I will be delivering, and has an office less than 5 minutes from my home. I met him and one of the nurses and they seemed likable, and explained that they would probably be seeing me anyway, because their practice checks all babies born at the hospital within the first day. I asked if they were comfortable with breastfeeding, familiar with care of uncircumcised boys, and would be comfortable with a delayed/selective vaccine schedule, and I noticed the attitude changed a little. They still tried to reassure me, but I got a lot of “well discuss that as it comes up”, instead of straight answers, which put me on guard a little.
When I got home, I checked out their website, and everything looked OK, until I found their vaccination policy, which includes all of the typical denials from the pro-vaccine crowd, as well as scare tactics about outbreaks, and blaming parents who question the vaccine schedule as being emotional and placing their children, families, and communities at risk. They further go on to say that they consider vaccinations the “single most important intervention” they perform, and that they will not deviate from the chedule (except in “limited cases”) or separate vaccines that are available in combination. Of our course, they do say they are not trying to scare or coerce parents, but then go on to say they will do everything they can to convince you to vaccinate according to the CDC schedule, and will ask you to find another doctor if you don’t agree (sounds like coercion to me). Of course, it ended with a statement to “feel free to discuss any questions or concerns you may have with your child’s provider”, but the document itself made it pretty clear that concerns would be dismissed and questions would just be answered in a way to push you towards going along with their policies, and that parents who question too much will be sent away to find another doctor.
I’m pretty disappointed, because I’d heard so many good things about this doctor and his way with kids, but I don’t feel comfortable risking my child’s health because someone has a good personality, but practices dangerous medicine. I did get one recommendation on a local parenting board for a pediatrician who is OK with delayed vax. They are 30 minutes away, but I will be setting up an appointment and interviewing them next. Hopefully this one will go better.
Last night was the first of the actual childbirth classes at the hospital, and I’m still pretty well pleased with them. Even though our instructor pointed out that it was not a Lamaze class, because the hospital was more of an “epidural hospital”, she is a Lamaze certified instructor, and is focusing on natural ways to deal with pain through breathing & positioning. She also gave a lot more information than I expected on some of the different labor interventions and a spoke a lot on why she was against unnecessary inductions, how they often led to c-sections, and how some of the “standard procedures” could actually prolong labor and make more interventions necessary. This is probably not new info to most people who’ve “done their homework”, but it’s good that there are nurses there who are explaining the cascade of interventions and discouraging inductions of convenience.
I also found out something interesting, and a little scary – my OB has never actually done a waterbirth, and the nurse midwife in his office has only done one. There is another CNM who is very experienced with them, and they said that my doctor will probably call her to assist if he needs it. At least he is supportive of it though, because most OBs here don’t “allow” labor in water or waterbirth at all. I guess being a first is good though, especially if the OB is there for the delivery, because maybe it will make it seem more “acceptable” to some of the other doctors. I am a little worried about being a first, and am going to ask about this at my appointment to be sure they are still cool with everything [if I do need to change docs, I want to go ahead and do it soon], but am pretty sure things will be OK. I’m really only even going the OB/hospital route because this is my first, and I see it as a precaution in case there are any problems.
It’s also interesting talking with and listening to some of the others in the class. The two youngest members were both planning on inductions, but one is very scared of having a c-section. This is part of why the nurse made a point of explaining the cascade of interventions, and how inducing labor leads t o a higher chance of having a c-section. One of the young women was also asking how late the epidural could be placed, because she wants to use a birth ball and be able to walk and move around as long as possible, and knows she can’t do that once she’s had the epidural. The nurse was good about explaining all this, and encouraging everyone to move around as much as possible in labor and not just lay on your back, and even demonstrated how it could cause problems with occiput posterior delivery, and how movement would help the baby to turn.
All-in-all, I’m pretty pleased with the classes. My husband is loving it, because he’s learning a lot.
I think most pregnant women have noticed that along with the pregnancy comes lots of stories and advice from everyone – families, friends, coworkers, and sometimes even strangers. While some of it is helpful, and most of it is probably well-meaning, I wonder if people realize how discouraging a lot of the comments are.
In my case, the worst seems to come from family. When I got pregnant, first it was all the comments about how I’d need to change my priorities because I couldn’t raise a child with my work schedule [2 full time jobs]. When I quit one job I was going to lose anyway [at the time, I had gone 2 months with no pay, was looking at 2-3 months more for a decision whether to put me on 50% pay for that time, and was informed I didn't have enough leave to cover the pregnancy unless I returned to work less than 2 weeks after my due date, and would be fired then if I wasn't back on full duty at that time], it was how “stupid” that was because of health insurance [one of the reasons I left is because they refused to cover it, and by leaving I was able to get on my husband's plan which is much cheaper], and how I should immediately sell my car, which I need for the other job [it's hard to sell real estate in a fairly rural & mountainous area without a decent vehicle with 4 wheel drive]. When I announced I was having a boy, several family members pointed out that my sister has 3 sons, and “should” have a girl, like I had a choice in the matter – this got brought up again by 2 different family members at Christmas.
I would think people would know better in the above situations, which makes me question why they even say such things. Even with the work/car comments – it was obvious I was upset and stressed out over the whole situation, so why say a bunch of crap to just make me feel bad, and add even more stress to the situation.
The other stuff is probably more common, but can be just as rough to hear. For me, the first was the reminders of how I was premature, spent most of my first year in the hospital, and was breech so I “had to” be delivered by c-section. I’ve literally grown up hearing about it, but I hate it now because there seems to be the implication that I will have problems, and a few people have told me to just go ahead and give up everything I want with this birth and schedule a c-section just in case. The part that keeps getting repeated now, that I never heard mentioned before, is how my mother couldn’t breastfeed, so she doesn’t think I will be able to and I shouldn’t even try. I wonder if she ever thought that the fact I was early, kept in an incubator and feed formula for over a day before she even saw me, and she didn’t even try to nurse until her milk “dropped” and the nurse told her it’d make her boobs less sore might have something to do with all that. I’m sure she hasn’t connected it to the reason I was in the hospital so much [often for jaundice & twice for formula allergies/problems] early on.
It frustrates the hell out of me when the discouragement and misinformation is coming from my own family, because anything I try to correct either gets taken as a personal attack on their parenting, or is answered with “but, look, you turned out ok”. Even if I hadn’t though, I think most of them would still rather support the status quo and the “way things are done” in a typical high-intervention hospital birth, because they don’t want to be responsible for making their own decisions, and thus losing somebody to blame if things go wrong.
Today was rough all around.
A good friend of mine went for an abortion, and needed someone to drive her to Charlotte [she said it's OK to post, but obviously I won't be using any identifying details]. Her family and several friends refused, and are generally being horrible about the whole situation, and she doesn’t have a car, so she asked me. The original plan was to go on the weekend, so my husband could drive, but I didn’t know if he would go for it [we're both personally opposed to abortion in most circumstances], and we figured there would be less hassle during the week.
We were wrong on the hassle part. Even though we were there early on a cold weekend morning there were still several people standing around, a couple with signs, the others just trying to harass people and shove pamphlets at them. Seriously, if you want to change someone’s mind about something, that’s not really the time, place, or manner, in which to do it. I was just going to park and wait, but I ended up walking in with her so she’d have some support, and to help keep them away [I'm 5'11, 250+, and can be a little intimidating].
It sort of worked – she was barely showing. I, on the other hand, am very visibly pregnant, so most of them got in my face instead. The irony is that I am way past the point where any doctor around her would do an abortion, if I had wanted one, but it was easier to tell them to f’ off than try to explain that to a bunch of self-righteous jerks. It actually got to the point where I was a little worried about our safety, because one woman grabbed my arm, but I managed to get her to back off [pressure points - learn 'em & love 'em, you can get someone back with like 2 fingers and minimal force] and we went inside with no major drama.
She seemed OK at that point, so I just sat in the waiting room and told her I’d be there when she came it [I don't think I could've handled being there for it - I've had 2 miscarriages for myself, and it was already a pretty stressful day, I'm sure much moreso for her than me]. Honestly, it felt awkward as hell sitting there in the waiting room being pregnant myself, and I hope that I didn’t offend or upset anyone else with my presence [one more reason I was originally gonna wait in the car]. When we left, there was a clinic escort there who walked with us to the car because she was pretty weak and upset and they didn’t want us walking back out there alone like that.
I’m not really sure why I’m blogging this, other than catharsis. It just hurt me to see the hatred on some of those people’s face, directed at someone who was already in a bad, vulnerable situation, and then to sit there realizing that many of them claimed to be doing it out of religious belief or “love” [one idiot kept going on about love and hate]. I also think it’s crazy that people are allowed to harass other like that to keep them from having a medical treatment. Imagine if they started blocking off hospitals or plastic surgery clinics – I’m sure there would be laws passed and actually forced to protect those.
The crazy thing about it is that, even though I consider myself anti-abortion, today has made me consider volunteering as a clinic escort and trying to find some way to help support women who do choose abortions, because nobody should have to go through that sort of harassment when they’re already making a tough decision. She said she’ll have to go back in 3 weeks for a check up, and I hope it’s not the same bunch of crap then.
Last night I took the first one of my “childbirth education” classes sponsored through the hospital. I had been wondering if they’d even be worth it, since I kept hearing that most hospital classes were more about teaching you their standard practice & how to cooperate than education about birth and options [ie, not going to be natural birth "friendly" enough for my liking]. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised.
Not only was the class leader a L&D nurse there, as well as a doula, but she was very clear about giving different options and the reasoning behind it, and about explaining how some “routine” interventions could complicate breastfeeding but were not a reason to give up. The hospital has a support line and lactation consultants, and everyone was encouraged to call them first if there were any problems, rather than switching to a bottle or supplementing. She also pointed out how sometimes the baby would not be able to latch/suckle properly after certain medications, and encouraged mothers to try again after a couple hours, instead of assuming he couldn’t or didn’t want to breastfeed, and let us know that we could/needed to let them know we planned on breastfeeding in case of a cesarean, and they would have someone bring the baby to the recovery room and help out nursing the first few times, so he didn’t end up being given formula instead. There was also a mention of oxytocin/pitocin being chemically similar, and how nursing during the 3rd stage could be used instead of pitocin to help the placenta come out and the uterus go back to normal.
A lot of it was pretty basic for most people who’ve done their research, but it was still very refreshing to see a hospital that supportive of breastfeeding, and to see common myths/problems addressed outright. She made a point of letting everyone know, even if they intended to formula feed later on, that it was best to at least breastfeed at the beginning so the baby got the benefits of the colostrum, and covered a lot of the benefits of breastfeeding, even up to 3-4 years [was really surprised to see support for "extended" bf'ing]. She was also supportive of co-sleeping and explained it was safe, as long as the parent wasn’t using medications that made them drowsy or alcohol. I also liked that she made a point of explaining the purpose of foremilk, and why breastfeed babies don’t need to be given bottles of water, and how that or unnecessary supplementation with formula [including in the hospital] can screw up the breastfeeding process and cause the baby to not get enough milk & nutrition. She stressed the importance of nursing as soon as possible [she said hospital recommendation is within the first hour, but they try for the first 20-30 minutes], and nursing exclusively in the first 2 weeks and skipping bottles and pacifiers at least that long to avoid nipple confusion, and also explained how breast shields should only be used minimally and for a short time if needed, so the baby didn’t become reliant on them.
Afterward, I asked if she knew where to get a copy of the hospital’s L&D policies because I wanted to see if there would be any problem with my birth plan, and she told me they were used to birth plans, pretty relaxed, and that the main thing was to go over it and have my OB sign it, in case I ended up with another doctor delivering. She also told me that a particular OB at my practice was the most natural birth friendly, and recommended having him be the one to sign off, because she had attended a unmedicated waterbirth in the hospital of one of his clients, and he was supportive and backed up her wishes in a few instances when the charge nurse was requesting more intervention. This is the doc I had planned to go over it with anyway, but I feel a lot better now hearing that from a nurse who’d attended one of his births.
All in all. I’m glad I went, and I feel a lot more comfortable with the hospital than I did before. I still have a few more weeks of classes, so I’ll be updating on those as well as other things.
One thing I thought I’d add is that it was great how many dads were there. I figured, of all the classes, this would be the one most men would skip, but probably 3/4 of the women had a male partner or support person with them, which says a lot about how far we’ve come on educating both sexes. One thing that I thought was cool was one of the very young mothers had her dad there as her support person, and mentioned that he would be her labor coach – it’s nice seeing that level of support for a teen mother, because I’ve seen so many who felt rejected by their parents when they needed them most.
I had an OB appointment today.
Typical doctor’s visit – he was in and out in about 5 minutes. Everything is OK with the baby, and I passed the glucose test, which is good. I was going to ask a few birth plan related questions, but they were behind and I always feel like I’m wasting time or being a pain if I ask a bunch of things, then get ticked about it later because that’s what they’re there for and I’m certainly paying enough for it.
The two things I did double check was to see if they were usually good about “allowing” women to walk/move during labor, and if eating/drinking was allowed. I was told they let you drink, but limited the amount “to keep your stomach empty if you need surgery”, and that walking/moving was fine at first, but I “wouldn’t be able to later on when all the monitors and stuff were hooked up”. Mostly what I expected to hear, but not really what I want to hear. I am going to be trying to get a copy of the hospitals actual policies for labor & delivery, so that may help in planning.
I guess I was more optimistic early on, when the doctor did say he was supportive of natural childbirth and was more than willing to attend a waterbirth, but should have expected some backwardness when I found out I’d have to provide my own birth pool and things. I guess I’m afraid of getting to the hospital and the floor nurse saying that I can’t have the birth I planned because it conflicts with some policy or is inconvenient for them. I know I do have a right to refuse a lot of things, but it seems like a lot of women get tricked or manipulated into going against their own wishes during the birth process.
I’m also worried about my husband’s abilities as a support person. All the time he’s been saying he would not let anything happen I didn’t want, but when i was trying to explain some of my worries to him today, he walked out of the room and told me he needed to be away from me and “birth talk” because he couldn’t do anything, and that I needed to “wait and see what the hospital allowed” then re-write my plan. I tried to explain to him that the whole point is I need him to understand what I want and why, so he can support me, and so he doesn’t get manipulated by people telling him something is policy or “for my own good” to try to pressure me into interventions I don’t want.He just keeps saying with anything that’s done he’ll ask me if it’s what I really want, and not allow them to do anything I don’t want, but I don’t exactly know how coherent or rational I’ll be at that point.
Maybe it’s just first time mom jitters, but I am so afraid I’m going to end up with my mom and husband both taking the side of hospital staff and trying to push me into things I don’t want, and I am not sure if I can stand up to all of that during labor. I will have a doula, but I know it’s not her job to actually advocate for me, and I don’t want to put her in a position where it’s me & her against the staff and my family. I almost feel “safer” with a homebirth, but I have a feeling that would cause even more family friction and my mom would totally call CPS or try to have me committed if she heard about it.
It’s not like I’m even wanting that much, just freedom of movement/positioning, being allowed to drink and possibly eat so I have energy and don’t get dehydrated, and not having unnecessary drugs or interventions repeatedly offered or recommended. When I worked at the prison hospital unit, inmates were allowed all the things, but they are routinely denied and looked at as unrealistic or demanding for mothers in labor, and I don’t understand that at all.
I went home for Christmas this year, which was cool because the hubby was able to make it down with me for the 2nd time since we’ve been together [8 years!], and I wanted to see some extended family members while I still could, due to age and medical issues. The trip, overnight driving with a dog & cat sharing the same crate after the cat ripped the mesh out of her carrier, was interesting, and I’m totally counting it as “bonding time”, including the 2 hour stretch where I fell asleep as Billy drove.
Our family didn’t do a whole lot of gifting this year, because money was tight on everybody, but we did get some nice things. The hubby ended up with a lot of clothes, which he needed, because I got a gift card to a store that didn’t have any maternity items and was unsure what size I’ll be wearing after the pregnancy. I got some new purses and things like that, and some cash, as well as a lot of clothes and things for the baby. My mom got me an “organic parenting” book, which is really cool because she seemed sort of dismissive of most of my crunchy tendencies at first.
We also got into a discussion of the whole birth plan and things, and she’s a lot more supportive than she was – I think because she’s been doing some research on her own. At first, she was like “just schedule a c-section, so it’ll be painless & convenient for everybody”, but she seems to understand why I don’t want that more now. I found out she never had an epidural, so she can see why I don’t want one or feel that is always necessary – I was born c-section, and her labor with my sister was so short there was no time for her to have it [I guess she had IV pain meds or something though]. At least short labor runs in the family. She’s also cool on the waterbirth and having a doula now, so long as I will have an OB available and am having a hospital birth. I think my dad’s still skeptical, but he’s very much bought into the idea that the doctors know best and everyone should listen to them.
One thing that suprised me was that my mom asked about circumcision, and neither one of my parents made a fuss when we said we won’t be having the baby circumcised. Apparently, my youngest nephew isn’t circ’ed either, because the insurance deemed it an unnecessary elective procedure and would not cover it. When I mentioned we were refusing several interventions, mom was pretty supportive, especially about the vitamin K shot because it has been linked to leukemia, which I had, and my dad was in agreement about the eyedrops seeming pointless & painful, especially when I explained they were mainly to protect the baby in case the mama had syphilis or gonorrhea.
Dad was really adamant about vaccinations and tried telling me that he wouldn’t be able to go to school or anything if he didn’t get all the shots right on schedule, but backed off some when I explained one of the main was I was skipping was HepB at birth. He didn’t even know about it, but didn’t think a hepatitis shot was needed that young. He went on a big rant about how “dangerous” it was because there were so many people who wouldn’t vaccinate against anything, but didn’t have an answer when I asked him why it should matter to those who were vaccinated, but calmed down when I explained some of the risks to him and how many more shots were recommended now than even when I was a child. I told him that we will get the most important vaccinations, but will probably go with a delayed schedule to give his immune system more time to build up and that we will asking for single, preservative free shots because they are safer and easier to pinpoint adverse reactions. I think he is so adamant about this because he had polio as a child, but he was vaccinated, and may not realize that in the years he was a child the vax cause more cases than the “wild” disease did.
It felt kind of weird discussing some of this with my parents, because I wanted to be sure I wasn’t coming across like I was criticizing how they raised me, but I figured it was better to talk about it beforehand than to have them second guessing it at the hospital or when the baby is young, because I may be more vulnerable then. At least they do know I have researched the choices I’m making, and am not just doing things based on a whim or something I saw on television or read in one book [at first, they thought the waterbirth was a total Ricki Lake thing, until they realized I didn't know what they were talking about because I don't watch television or follow much celebrity news - then my mom had to send me a link to the movie so I could see it].
I deleted my old blog, but thought it’d be good to start a new one, more focused on parenting and things, so I’ll have a record of what it was like, especially during the first few years after the baby is born. I’m copying some of the pregnancy related posts from my other site over to this one as well, so I can keep them.
A guerrilla is a member of a small, irregular army or force that operates in small bands inside occupied territory to combat stronger forces, usually by unconventional means. Guerrilla marketing relies on time, energy, and imagination to create unexpected & unconventional campaigns that create unique, engaging, and thought-provoking concepts designed to generate “buzz” and interest, and ideally to spread to a much larger audience.
While looking for information on birth and parenting as I await my first child, it seems to me that mothers are fighting an uphill battle against larger, stronger forces [much of the medical "establishment", the marketing forces of formula and other baby-related consumer industries, and much of public opinion].
Considering the current climate concerning birth, parenting, and women’s reproductive health, I thought that “Guerrilla Parenting” would be a good name for a blog. In the same way that small, less powerful companies use “Guerrilla Marketing” to compete with large companies and their advertising budgets, it seems like anyone who questions the current medical and consumer-driven “wisdom” concerning their options for birth and raising their children may have to resort to “Guerrilla Parenting” in order to control their own birth experience and guide their children’s lives as they see fit.
By blogging, tweeting, talking to other women, and otherwise combating the disinformation and misinformation out there, it is my hope to let other women know some of the options available to them, as well as some of the risks and negatives of many “routine” care practices, and to help give them more resources in making informed decisions and taking charge of their own birth and child-raising experiences.
I’ve been putting off posting cause I’ve been in sort of a weird place again.
I quit my job on the 14th. It was sort of forced, so I’m pissed about that part, but I feel like I’m better off because I’m away from all the stress and bullshit. The doctor put me on restrictions of no heavy lifting or physical contact with inmates or in emergency situations, and they refused to accommodate that. I was out of leave, so they said I could apply for short term disability at 50% of my pay, but would go at least 60-90 days while they decided with no pay, and having to pay about $400 a month for insurance in the meantime. Even if I got it, they’d only hold my position until about 2 1/2 weeks past my due date, and my doctor wouldn’t let me return to work that early, so it was a choice of lose my job in April or quit now and have insurance I can almost afford [$120/month through my husband's group plan, instead of $400 through mine]. Of course, my mom got pissed and everyone had to yell at me and tell me I was stupid, but I’d rather scrape by for a few months now and have my retirement money in the bank when the baby is born than try to live with no money right after his birth, and possibly run out of insurance before he is born. I did apply for unemployment because of the circumstances, but I probably won’t get it because I technically left voluntary [even though my choice to stay was with no pay or benefits, and only for a few more months].
Even with the money worries from that, I still feel better mentally. I was doing really bad with depression and anxiety, and I think the Zoloft may have been making it worse instead of better. I was staying very agitated and getting dizzy a lot, so I quit taking it, and that eased up. Funny thing is a lot of the anxiety is gone too, and I’m not as depressed – I think the whole work situation and way everything was dragging out with no way to plan for anything was the main thing causing all of it. I’m wondering how much the whole passing out thing may have been related too, since the neurologist did say it seemed like it might be caused by panic attacks or blood pressure rising.
I’m looking for work, and applied at a few places that may work out, but I know being visibly pregnant is going to hurt me at interviews. It’s just temporary, but I aced the test for the census, so maybe I’ll hear back from them as either a survey taker or supervisor. I also put in at the local Police/Fire Department, which would be ok, and it something I’m interested in and qualified for, but I don’t think interviews are until January. I just wonder what sort of reference I’m getting from the prison. All of my performance reviews were good, but I missed a lot of work this year because of medical crap, and my boss was kind of a jerk, so I worry that may be getting spun to make me look bad.
Oh, my accident prone ass ended up in the hospital yet again on Thursday. We’re finally getting our roof fixed, and the roofers were working to get it replaced before the snow & ice hit, so I had to take care of the dog to keep him from eating anybody. This means that I had to walk him on a leash, instead of just letting him run out in the yard to go pee and come back in. I slipped on a bunch of loose gravel in the road and came down with all my weight on my left knee. I didn’t realize it was more than a scrape, so I just nonchalantly went in the house and didn’t tell anyone I’d fell. About 45 minutes later, I noticed my pants leg was soaked with blood, then looked and saw that the skin was split and you could see my kneecap and one of the ligaments off to the side of it. I knew I’d need stitches, and called around to find out that I’d have to go to the emergency room for them, then called my husband and told him it was nothing serious but I’d need to go to the ER when he got home. Of course he freaked out and rushed anyway, and we ended up sitting there for several hours because I made the mistake of telling them I wasn’t in much pain, the baby was moving, and I wasn’t cramping or anything. They gave me 12 stitches and sent me home. We ended up back there at 4am, when I woke up unable to move it, and got an x-ray [I declined the first one because I was able to walk and didn't think it was necessary]. It wasn’t broken, but they did put an immobilizer on it and gave me crutches, which I’m still gimping around on, to help keep my weight off it and help my balance because it had bruised and swollen a lot.
